Well as I said on the front page, not a lot has happened this month. Ok, we had the whale watching trip, but I told you about that in last month’s news. Unless you’d like me to tell you all about it again? No?

So this month’s news is short an sweet(ish.)

In response to comments by certain people about last month’s major cock up; No we haven’t tried that expensive wine yet, we’re saving it. It’s been laid down. May try some at Xmas. And no I don’t care if you are prepared to take it off our hands, you’re not having any.

We’ve had an election here last week, in the Capital Territory, and the Labor party was returned by a slim majority.

In the weeks up to the election Lee-Anne was working flat out, as the Min wanted to be looking good for his electorate. As a thank you he took them all out for a meal on the day before the election. He wined them and dined them in fine style. In such fine style that when I returned home from work that night, Bethy greeted me with a stern face. “Where’s your mother?” I asked, Bethy replied; “She’s in bed, she’s drunk!”

Honestly all Bethy needed was a set of curlers and a rolling pin, and she’s have been a dead ringer for Andy Capp’s wife Florrie.

Lee-Anne rarely drinks, four glasses of wine at lunchtime, and she was out like a light before 8.00 pm.

🙂

Since that day things have been dead quiet for her at work, she’s just waiting to hear which of the politicians gets the ministry now, although word has it that her old Min wants to poach her as his “special adviser.”

If she climbs any higher up the greasy pole of local politics, I’ll have to start calling her “Sir Humphrey”.

The other day Lee-Anne went to see this show;

Join our D-cupetteers as they unleash their playful puppies and walk abreast down mammary lane.

Busting Out is an uplifting celebration of bouncy songs, wobbly jokes, thigh slapping sketches, and of course, practical demonstrations of the fascinating lesser-known uses of your drooping assets. To make the show even more interesting they even have a giant screen so their melons go from DD to ZZ.

So ladies pop on your best bra, shoes and handbag and gentlemen be prepared to learn a thing or two when our topless barmaids even show you how to mix that perfect cocktail with no hands!

A show about a couple of large birds showing off their knockers? Has to be good! Apparently it was too. I didn’t go, women’s night out and all that sort of stuff…

The other Sunday and I’m at work. There’s two of us on cover, and were just pacing the day, praying that no clients go postal. My co-worker wants to pop over the mall to get coffee and cat litter, no worries, I’ll keep the mobile (the emergency number) on me.

I get a phone call…

Me; “Hello Mental health team, Taff speaking…”

Her; “Hi Taff, it’s me,  Brenda”.

Me; “Hi there, Brenda. Look I’m not in a position to chat with you at the moment, can I ring you when I get back to the office?”

Her; “Oh, it’s nothing important I just want to change my appointment with you for tomorrow.”

Me; “Ok, well I’ll call you back when I get to the office in about 30 mins.”

Her; “Oh can’t we just do it now?”

Me; “Well I’m not really in a position to talk right now I’m afraid.”

Her; “Oh, are you with another client? Where are you? You sound like you’re at the bottom of a well!”

Me: “Yes, I’m with another client, can’t chat, I have to go. I’ll ring you back in half an hour.”

Her; “Ok, byeee”. click…

That’s the trouble with mobile phones, people can get hold of you even when you’re in the middle of a really satisfying crap…

Bethy’s new team had their first win the other day, stuffing another side 46 / 8. We’re ever so impressed with her, and the new team coach is really bringing out the best in her. I must say it is scary that she’s playing “Under 16’s” , and some of the girls she’s playing with or against are taller than me.

My mate in the USA, Andrew, recently sent me one of these;

This great pack includes Ultimate Insanity Sauce, Insanity Sauce, Total Insanity Sauce, and Temporary Insanity Sauce all packed in a cool wooden crate.

Plus a big bottle of Dave’s insanity sauce.

In the United States, a growing interest in hot sauces in general and extremely hot sauces in particular can be dated roughly from the institution of the annual Fiery Foods and Barbecue Show in 1989. The original Dave’s Insanity Sauce premiered around 1995 and was one of the first sauces to be made directly from capsaicinextract, allowing it to be hotter than the hottest habanero-pepper sauces of the day. It was the only hot sauce ever banned from the National Fiery Foods Show for being too hot. It has been rated at 180,000 Scoville units, compared with 2,500-5,000 for Tabasco sauce, which, before the 1990s, was the hottest sauce known to the average consumer.

I’ve only tried the mildest one so far, and that was like lava. Truth be told I’m almost fearful of trying the hottest!

Now to a subject close to my heart, or should I say “close to my arse.”  If I were to tell you that I had a distended vein in my ear which itched like all buggery, was extremely painful and frequently burst and bleed copiously, you’d give me sympathy wouldn’t you? You’d enquire politely after it, offer advice and cures, discrete packets of sterile ear wipes would arrive in the post. My hippy mate would buy me Hopi ear candles, bless.

So why do I not get this sympathy just because the vein is up my bum?

Yes I’ve got piles, Emma Frueds, Chalfonts, Nobbys, Bertrams. They are agony. They itch at the least convinient times, like when I’m addressing a big meeting, and some mornings the toilet ends up looking like Fred West’s cellar.

Ok, I’ve got ointment for them; “Retorgesic”, but it gives me headaches. Can you think of a good punchline for that please? I would appreciate it.

Ha, you already did didn’t you you bastards?

Yes a fingerful of retorgesic stuck up where the sun don’t shine. Not an unpleasant experience, but one Lee-Anne refuses to share with me.

“Why you holding your head Taff?”
“My piles are playing up mate!”

You can just hear the laughter from that one can’t you?

It’s not all bad news though!

In fact I can now fart in four part harmony. If they get any worse I’ll be farting in 5.1 surround sound and be audtioning for “Australia’s got tallent.”

Write soon bastards.