I suppose I' d better get it over with.

By now, most of you will have heard of, and had a good chuckle at, my bike misadventure. Some of you have been predicting it would all end in tears  since I bought the bike, and are now probably feeling very smug with yourselves. To you, I can only say; "Wanker!"

Here's the sorry tale.

We had some friends, Sean and Mel and their lovely kid, Alex, coming down to stay with us. They were doing a trip via Sydney, and were hiring a car there to come to the 'Berra. No worries. Sean and Mel are ex-pat Brits, we'd only actually met them once, at their wedding at the Gold Coast, apart from that we're just net mates. Mind you, why they wanted to meet up with us again after my drunken antics at their wedding is beyond me, (the bar at the wedding reception had the best range of single malts I have encountered in Australia, you can work out the results of that realisation yourself.)  But they seemed keen to meet us again, (for revenge?) and were due down on the Friday.

I had booked a week off work.

Of course before they arrived  Lee-Anne (and I, I must admit,) went a bit mad on the old domestic front, we even got the nice folk in from the garden contractors we had used before, and they did the front and back garden up a treat for us. Having a neat and tidy garden always leaves us with the inkling that we should get into gardening, but we've the ability to kill plants that "agent orange" would be proud of, so we pay others to do it for us. As they are a charitable group working with my clients, it seems a doubly good thing to do.

On the Wednesday I was working a morning, for a change. This was great as it meant I got a few extra hours at home in the evening, cleaning and burnishing the family silver. We had a kid kicking off at work, and we were pretty convinced we were going have to "involuntary admit" him. As he was on my caseload, it fell to me to get stuff sorted before I went on leave. Also to ensure this was done properly, and legally, I had to get some letters out to him and his parents. I got them drafted, approved and ready to go. I told the team I'd drop them off at the post office, then make my way home from there. Just to be sure they got out on time, you know, what with me being diligent and caring and considerate and all that.

So I set off, exactly the opposite direction to the way I normally go home. It was getting on for five  o'clock,and  fortunately all the office workers from the department of ageing  were piling out of their offices. As some were looking like  crossing the road I was on, I was going pretty slowly, no more than 50 kmph tops. I was within a couple of hundred yards of the post office, when some silly fuck in a taxi pulled straight across the road in front of me. Never even had a chance to hit my brakes.

I hand-standed over the handlebars, onto  his bonnet and onto the road. I remember lying there on the road for a few minutes thinking; "I'm ok, thank fuck I'm ok, I hope I don't get run down while I'm lying here. Did I leave my library books at work? Lee-Anne's going to kill me."

Some people helped me to my feet, I couldn't stand very well. People were great, they sat me on the curb and fussed over me. Cops and an ambulance were called. The taxi driver, a young Indian chap came over and apologised; "Sorry I didn't see you mate!"

Ok, this was in daylight,  my bike has permanent day riding lights on, and I was wearing an ambulance-man's bright yellow reflective jacket. He didn't see me? What does he want, a fucking telegram in advance to let him know I'm on my way?

The ambulance arrived and I was taken on board. By now the shivers had set in, and I was getting sick. They guys in the ambulance were fantastic, cracking jokes about taxi drivers. One gave me a prod; "Your shoulder's screwed mate, you need to come in. I'm not happy with your hips either." (Nor is Lee-Anne, she'd like more meat on them, but that's another story.) The cops came up, told me that the taxi driver had admitted responsibility, and that they were overloaded with people willing to give evidence. A young girl stuck her head in the ambulance; "Don't worry about the bike, I've called my boyfriend, he's on his way with a trailer. We'll bring it over to your place on the weekend. We're in the Canberra rider's club. Here's my phone number."

Can you believe that? The kindness of strangers is so wonderful it restore faith in the human race, and it's emotionally uplifting!

The ambulance boys strapped me in, and I managed to phone Lee-Anne; "Right, now don't worry! I've had a bit  of a bingle on the bike, and they're taking me to hospital for a check up." (loosely translated; "I've screwed up again, please don't hit me.")

I was seen, not too quickly, at A&E. This was the only disappointing part of my treatment, otherwise all the services involved have been fantastic.

Lee-Anne arrived.

They sorted me out an x-ray of my shoulder, and then put me in a bed. "Would you like some morphine?" asked someone who obviously doesn't know me well. "Ooh nice, yes please!" So I got some IV morphine solution. This made me feel sorry for junkies, but very happy for myself.  I gibbered away to Lee-Anne through my morphine haze. Lee-Anne left me to go into work, at 2.00 am in the morning, as she wanted to clear her desk so her minister would not be let down, and so she could take the next day off to look after me. Now THAT's what you call dedication.

The next day my team leader Megan came in to visit. She told me that the week off I had booked would now be changed to "personal leave" so I didn't lose the holiday days. Which is ever so good of her, in fact throughout this whole sorry episode she's been a complete brick. Kudos also goes to the  other people, you know who you are , who I work/have worked with, who have offered help and support in these troubled days.

Later I was seen again by various doctors. My shoulder didn't seem too bad, but I couldn't stand, I find it quite useful to be able to stand, so I told them so, they agreed. I got x-rays of my hips done. The pain was put down to damage to the capsule of my right hip. My knee felt very unstable too. So they strapped me in a leg brace, gave me a crutch, put my arm in a sling, gave me some very tasty painkillers, and sent me home with an instruction to see my GP for a discharge review. (Seeing the GP is $65 a shot over here.) We got an appointment the next morning at 8.30 am.

So we turned up the next morning, and I wailed and moaned as only a man can. My GP is an old Scots bird who is well used to my "fragile nature", but even she wasn't happy with the look of me. She said we should get an MRI scan on the knees. More bloody expense.

Mel and Sean arrived the next day, they had been warned that I was incapacitated, but this only seemed to give them extra pleasure. We got settled in and caught up on stuff, great to meet young Alex, a fine little man. Bethy loved having Alex around, and luckily she's great with kids. This compensates for me and my attitude,  as I cannot stand the bloody things. Alex was fine though, an absolute pleasure to have around. The next few days Lee-Anne and Bethy entertained them, while I stayed home and sulked. They got  took to various Canberra delights, such as Questacon, (Alex loved this, he got to see a real live robot which talked to him,) The Carillion (which was playing while they were there,) Blundel's Cottage, Telstra Tower, etc. 

The nice people who had stored my bike brought it back. They were duly rewarded with wine, chocolates and flowers, as well as a donation to the riders forum they run.  To this day I'm so glad and amazed they were there, and how they dealt with the bike for me, true Aussie heroes. With the help of Sean and my mates from across the road we got it into the garage.

Another good thing is that Mel is a fantastic chef, having worked in the restaurant trade, so we also got treated to some of her cooking. In the evenings we blissed out and drank wine and chatted, and watched crappy Aus TV. Fortunately Mel is as big a fan of "Masterchef" as we are. Even more fortunately Sean is not, so we could make him suffer.

It was interesting, lovely and so relaxing,  to be so at ease with people we have spent so little time with before, people we really hardy knew.

The last day of their stay I was determined to get out and about with them. So strapping up me leg brace, donning my sling, and wobbling on my crutch, off we  went. This was possibly not the smartest thing to do we subsequently found out. We visited the War Memorial, Parliament, and Tidbinbilla deep space station. I hobbled along, just happy to be out and about again. That night a fair few bottles of wine were sank, mainly by me, for pain relief.

All too soon it was time for them to head back. We had turned them onto pie makers, GPS, and Reason, also burned them a fair few Brit-coms on DVD. They promised to host us in their house in the rain-forest in Queensland, once we had the time to get up there, and I as long I was able to walk again. All told it was an absolutely fantastic stay, despite my circumstances. Although a Lee-Anne pointed out, maybe it was good that I was hobbled so I couldn't force march them up hill and down dale, and all around and over the city, as I do with most of our guests.

The mother in law drove me to get my knee MRI scan ($320.00!)  This was done by a lovely lass from Shropshire, who had just came back from visiting home, and had been into Wales while there. We had a great long chat. (I sort of forgot the M-i-L was waiting in the car for me.)

We went back to see my GP. Lee-Anne informed her that my shoulder was not getting any better, so she told us to get some x-rays done of it, and to come back in a week, by which time she would have had the MRI scan results. X-rays got done ($125.00)

We went back. She wasn't happy. At all. "I want you to get the x-rays taken at the hospital, take those, and these x-rays, and your MRI scans. I'm getting a consultant surgeon to see you".  A consultant surgeon? At this point I was thinking it may be cheaper to fly back to the UK and get it all done on the NHS.

The next day we got a bill for $1400 from the hospital. How much are flights again?

We went and saw the consultant, a very affable young Chinese chap, at his prices he could afford to be affable. ($180.00) He stuck my scans and x-rays up, and tutted a great deal. "You  see here Taff, these lines, you've got a couple of fractures in your knee joint. These can become deeper if we're not careful, and you've got some compression fractures there too. Oh and here, your clavicle's pointing the wrong direction." To put it in more technical terms; " Superiorly dislocated clavicle at the acromioclavicular joint.  Displaced subchondrial fracture of the anterior medial tibial plateau, extending to the articular surface.  Subchondrial impaction fracture of the anterior medial femoralcondyle, with subtle depression of the suchondrial bone. Both fractures have bone oedema."

Ok, so far, not so good.

"I'd rather not operate on either if at all possible. I'd like you to take a month off work, not walk on the leg when it is avoidable, not drive, and get some physio done on that shoulder, I'll review you in four weeks time. "

Not all bad then?

On the forum, Lee-Anne put it more succinctly;

"I have some advice …Get off your fucking feet and stop trying to fucking walk. Leave the fucking dogs to shit in the fucking backyard. I can fucking walk them when I get fucking home before I cook your fucking dinner. Take your 8 pills a fucking day for the fucking pain and listen to everything I fucking tell you to do and fucking do it. I fucking love you, you pillock. Now stop everything and heal."

From this, as you may have guessed, I'm not very good at doing nothing. As a consequence of this I foolishly emailed some friends to let them know about the crash, here's a selection of replies;

It's well known that a 'Bryn Road' head will take a taxi out every time.. take it easy mate xx

Remember the Queen wouldn't let Charlie play polo any more when he got to your age after he fell off his horse and broke his collarbone.

Well what a prick! Although I guess you weren’t to blame so  I should take that back but well I’ve said it now.

If you need a hand with anything, apart from personal hygiene and ADLs , you only have to ask.

I'm so shocked Taff, you have a mother!?

Oh the joys of motorcycling, the interesting way large bits of metal and rock approach as one flies gracefully through the air.

History seems to be repeating it's self! I seem to remember a certain someone hitting a car in the back lane (a Suzie 125cc trail bike which i bought for him) and doing a superman over the bonnet!

Thats the only problem with bikes,it does not matter whos fault it is. You are the one who gets hurt.

PS. Vicky found a dead man on the path yesterday !!!

love this, very funny, and bless Lee-Anne

I saw the physio recommended, ($100 a go,) a young Kiwi lad called James. He told me he loves motorbikes, as they keep him very busy and very well paid, sarky git. He gave my shoulder a good massage, very pleasant indeed, though unlike my "Foot and Thai" massages, I wasn't thinking he may ask if I wanted "a happy ending". He also gave me exercises to do, and as they are the only exercise I've been getting I've been doing them religiously.

At the start of all this palava, Lee-Anne informed me that I should be able to claim "Workers compensation" to pay my medical bills etc, as I was on work business when I crashed. I haven't got a clue about this, but we got the forms and Lee-Anne filled them in. To say they were voluminous and detailed is to understate by a mile, I think one of the questions was; "What did your mother have for breakfast on the 8 th of June 1943?" So the forms went in, we're still waiting to hear back.

After bothering the taxi firm extensively, including threats of legal action, they eventually made the taxi driver  give me his insurance details. This is his communication in full;

Hey bro how r ya..this is the claim no:896xxx 3xxxx2 company name is zurich and their contact no is:1800897000 thnks jazzy

I contacted them, they told me to get the bike to Canberra Motorcycle Centre to be assessed and repaired. Thanks for all the help Zurich. After losing my contact details, twice, Canberra Motorcycle Centre eventually got around to picking up the bike, and I'm awaiting their verdict.

So that's it. My days are now spent doing sod all, apart from playing on the computer making bloody awful music. I'm not allowed out. I'm not allowed to walk the doges even, the mother in law does it for me, fair play to her. Patience was never one of my virtues, but it's not boredom at home that's killing, give me a book and I'm happy, I'm getting through 6 a week now. It's not being able to get out and do things that's the killer!

Also I've discovered that left handed cookery tastes a bit more burned with added crunchy bits, but apart from that is not much different to my normal crap..

Last night we went to see "The Trip". This meant Lee-Anne driving me there, dropping me at the cinema door, and then going to park. I hobbled in and got my seat, hobbled out after the film, and Lee-Anne drove around to pick me up. This is the only outing (apart from doctors and physio etc,) I've had  in a fortnight.

 I tell a lie. We did get out for a curry, at Bollywood masala,  to celebrate the mother in laws 20 th anniversary of getting the all clear from lung cancer. (She lost half a lung to do this!)

We did very much enjoy "The Trip" a good, gentle English comedy, with wonderful scenes of the Lake District.  We've got the series, on DVD, coming over from the UK.  

Very little other news as you can imagine. Bethy's romance is still going well. Bryce got his drivers licence the other day, and has been ferrying Lady Muck about in his father's car.

Oh, John Otway may be coming to stay at our place late January next year. A rock and roll superstar at Chez moi! How fantastic is that? I've been a fan of Otway since his first appearance on The Old Grey Whistle Test, (below)  and love the way he's turned a lack of talent into a big selling point. We've been in touch by e-mail for a long time, and he's coming over next year. Well you have to offer a mate a place to crash don't you? So I did, and he accepted.

The weather is bloody cold here at the moment. We've had blizzards and gales, some snow.

Severe Weather Warning for damaging winds for people in the Snowy Mountains, Metropolitan, Australian Capital Territory, South Coast, Illawarra, Hunter, Southern Tablelands and Central Tablelands forecast districts

Issued at 5:01 pm EST on Wednesday 6 July 2011.

Weather Situation

A strong cold front will cross eastern NSW early Thursday morning. Gale force winds are expected over the warning area this evening and Thursday morning.

Damaging winds averaging in excess of 60 km/h with peak gusts around 110 km/h are forecast for the Illawarra forecast district and parts of the Hunter, Metropolitan, Australian Capital Territory, South Coast, Snowy Mountains, Southern Tablelands and Central Tablelands forecast districts.

Alpine Peaks may experience winds averaging in excess of 90 km/h with peak gusts in excess of 120 km/h

The State Emergency Service advises that people should:

• Move vehicles under cover or away from trees.

• Secure or put away loose items around your house, yard and balcony.

• Keep clear of fallen power lines.

Next Friday, the 8th;

Summary

Min -6

Max 11

Morning frost. Mostly sunny.

Minus bloody six?

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