12/12/15 (Strong winds, cloudy, showers.)

We packed up our stuff VERY carefully. What with Mike’s OCD we didn’t dare leave a stray pube on the toilet rim. Lee-Anne even went so far as to get down on her hands and knees looking for fluff on the carpet. We got a hearty send off from Mike and his wife Sophia, and promises of “mates rates” in the future.

Interlude:
After getting back, we received a series of begging emails off Mike;

Hi Taff,
Sorry to hear that you had to work over the festive period. We didn’t have a great Christmas either, as the guests who stayed after you for the Christmas period absolutely wrecked our cottage and of course we only had four hours to get it ready for our current guests. When they leave, we have to get a French Polisher in to repair the coffee and dining room tables, a carpet cleaner to remove wine stains from the bedroom carpets, order some new bedding and paint over wine stains on the walls and ceilings!
It was only a family of four, made up of a man, his wife, 18 year son and 23 year old daughter – but they were from Camborne!!!!!!
A wirte-up on our Facebook page would be fab Taff and I am sure that the photo’s are just fine.
Please pass on our love to Lee-Anne, stay in touch and a happy New Year to you both.
Warmest wishes, Mike, Sophie and Callan.

Hi Taff,

So sorry to bother you again. I hope that you received my e-mail about the horrendous Christmas guests.
Well, after requesting them to pay for the damage that they caused, they have just got back, stating that they are taking legal advice. These people booked through our agents Cottage Holidays, where in their T & C’s they agreed to pay for any damage that they may have caused as well as leaving the cottage in the condition that they found it in on arrival. Despite the fact that we took photo’s of the damage, we believe that they are going to say that the damage was there when they arrived.

As you were the last guests before them, we were wondering if you would be kind enough to write a short letter heading it ‘To whom it may concern’ and stating who you are (with any professional letters after your name), where you are from and the dates you stayed here. Then confirming that when you left the property the dining room and coffee tables were in immaculate condition, with no ring marks or paint stains on them whatsoever. Also, that there were no red wine stains on any of the bedroom or upper hallway carpets, up the bedroom doors or on the walls. Nor was there any red wine stains splashed across the chrome cooking hood and kitchen ceiling.

If you would e-mail this to me, then I can forward this on to Cottage Holidays.

Mate, l know that you are really busy but your timely intervention in this matter would be so appreciated and Sophie and I would owe you big time.

Cheers, Mike.

I wrote a letter confirming that the place was spotless when we departed. Mike sent me the letter he had written to the renters, to be forwarded by his letting agency.

Dear Mr & Mrs QWERTY
When you left yesterday, we thought what a lovely family you were and felt so touched by your kind words in our guest book. Also, after you stated that you would like to return next Christmas, we knew that our hard work had paid off. So imagine our disbelief when we entered the cottage to find what a pitiful state you had left it in. The cottage was not just untidy, it was filthy.
There was wine/port stains on the cream carpets in both the ensuite and double bedrooms, over the carpet on the landing, up the ensuite bedroom door and on the walls. Bizarrely enough there was also wine splashed over the chrome hood in the kitchen and across the ceiling above it.
We have taken photographs of absolutely everything but have attached just three regarding two other issues.
You were provided with 8 brand new place mats, 14 coasters and 3 large wicker mats to protect both the coffee and dining room tables. So please would you be kind enough to explain how after keeping them in beautiful condition for 6 years now and having had hundreds of previous guests, you, in just one week, managed to ruin these surfaces by placing obviously hot cups and plates on them? Not only are there ring marks on the surfaces, one of you has managed to get what appears to be blue/grey paint on the dining table, which we cannot get off. Please see photo’s.
Also, in one bedroom on the double flat sheet, there is a large blue ink stain which has been washed and treated twice now but still remains. Because of the position of this stain, this sheet is now useless and will have to be replaced. Please see photo.
We did as best we could to prepare the cottage for our next guests, it was not a pleasant job, I didn’t particularly enjoy peeling back your son’s duvet only to find what can only be described as no less than 12 ‘used’ tissues just lying there on the mattress. I also found it extremely embarrassing having to apologise to my new guests as to the state of the tables and requesting them to try and not to walk on the wet patches in the bedrooms and hallway until they were dry.
We also cannot understand why, after explaining how the rubbish and food waste needed to be separated and you making the comment that Thomas enjoyed recycling rubbish, you then just jammed absolutely everything into bin bags and then dumped it all into the large green bin. I spent quite a considerable time this afternoon opening, separating and sorting out all of your waste which was not a very pleasant task.
Our cottage earns us a modest living but we have to work very hard to keep it in immaculate order. Just imagine for one moment if we came to your place of work and messed it up really badly, damaging the furniture and then just leaving? You would most probably call the Police and quite rightly so. So what gave you the right to come to our place of business and do just that?
We are now going to have to get a French Polisher in at the next available opportunity to repair both the coffee and dining room tables. We are also going to have to replace the double flat sheet. Below is a link to your contract with Cottage Holidays and the Terms & Conditions you agreed to. You might like to read section 15.
You will be required to pay for the damage you have caused to our property. Please let us know if you will settle this matter with us directly as and when we know the cost or if you would prefer to pay us through Farm and Cottage Holidays.

Dear god, even taking into account Mike’s OCD tendencies, that’s a bit of a shit way to treat the gaff! Even I wouldn’t have left stiff wank tissues behind.

Mike replied afterwards;

Hey Taff,

The letter is brilliant, thank you so much my friend. The photo’s of the coffee table are priceless! I shall forward it all on to the agency. I will also forward you the letter and photo’s that I sent to the guest and you can tell me what you think.

 We are truely indebted to you and Lee-Anne.

 Cheers mate, Mike.

We drove to Weston and found Pete and Kam’s place without a great deal of problem. Well one problem was that they were out, leaving us wondering if we had found there place after all. They soon arrived back, and tea and chat and general catching up were had. Pete did his usual stunt of finding highly embarrassing photos of me to show everyone. I cannot complain though, as he has my UK library securely stored in his garage. This is something I will be eternally indebted to him for. Pete has had his portrait painted, dear god it’s good.

They took us a on a great walk, in a howling gale, around “Sand Point”.

 

I don’t know the Weston area at all, and so added it to our “must explore” list.

Following the walk they took us off to Cleavdon, to treat us at the most amazing tea shop / cafe / restaurant I have ever been too “Tiffin.” They had what seemed like hundreds of different teas there, and I was lost for choice, they also did great food.

Following this we went around the corner, and down into the basement a of a terraced Edwardian house. Odd, but Pete’s full of surprises. (Check out Kam’s world famous, “Pete’s dreams” facebook page. If I didn’t know him better I’d say he was on mushrooms.) This basement turned out to be a marvellous jewellery / antiques / costume shop, run by a very odd but endearing old man. Lee-Anne charmed him into a significant discount on some presents.

Too soon it was time to shoot off again.

We drove to Llanelli. We were back staying at Arwel y Don, and Sian had left the keys for it with Louise. We saw Louise, but only briefly as we were fucked, then went back to crash out.

 

13/12/15 (Drizzle.)

We spent the day in Llanelli shopping, but without much joy. We did get three bottles of good Scotch for me to take home. These would be taken “duty free”, as well as the bottle of Adnams whisky which I was telling you about weeks ago, the bottle of Plymouth Gin for Bethy and Brandon, and the bottle of homemade sloe gin, which Janet had asked us to give to Bethy for Xmas. We guestimated it would all just come in under our “duty free” allowance.

That night we were back in the Thomas Arms. Lee-Anne had faggots and peas again. I had fish and chips. Almost all the boys from the previous gathering all turned up, as did Wynn, thanks to all of you for that, we had a great time! Jamesy didn’t make it unfortunately.

 

14/12/15 (persistent heavy showers.)

We spent all morning online trying to book in for our flights, specifically to ensure I got a vege meal. Only to get “message not delivered” come up constantly on the screen. Lee-Anne then spent ¾ of a hour hanging on the phone to get through to a live person, only to be told; “Your booking and meal request has already been confirmed online” …Grrrr...

We took mam and Louise to the trading estate and left them there. We took Dave the car to a car valeting place, he deserved a treat. We walked into Town in the rain. Lee-Anne had seen the address of a Llanelli antiques shop, and wanted to get Brandon a present there, a “Falstaff” Toby jug. The person who owned the shop was out. We phoned the number on the door, they told us they’d be back tomorrow, we told them we’d be in Australia tomorrow. They came and opened the shop.

Lee-Anne bought the Toby Jug. (Brandon was amazed and perplexed, but delighted to get this weird and wonderful Xmas gift.)

We had lunch in the Avo cafe . Yet again the menu was full of promises which they couldn’t deliver. We walked back and collected Dave.

We drove out to collect Mam and Louise. Louise was tearing her hair out, as she’d already lost Mam twice, and was now looking for her for a third time. We met Jamesy there, our last chance to say goodbye. I insisted he say hello to Mam, but by then we ‘d lost her for a fourth time. We said a sad goodbye to Jamesy.

Once we’d found Mam, we hassled her into the car before she could get away again, and took them home. We said goodbye to them, they threatened to send back any presents we’d bought them. (My family is fucking weird about presents.)

That night, after packing our suitcase ready for the flights, we decided to order in a curry. After we’d ordered it, I remembered Charlie was coming over, though we reckoned we’d ordered enough food for eight. I drove off and found Charlie, as he hadn’t been to the gaff before. We drove into town and found the curry house. While we were out and about, Lee-Anne got a message saying our order couldn’t be fulfilled, as the curry house didn’t open on Mondays. Me and Charlie found this out when we arrived to a shut curry house. We went to Johns’ Fish and Chip shop instead. Guess what I had?

We had a great chat and final meal with old Chazza.

 

14/12/15 (rain and rain and rain)

We set off at 6.00 am. We drove Dave home. We got away with the cracked number plate by telling them it was a stone chip, result!! (A fortnight after getting back, I got a $70 ticket for Dave, having driven it in a bus lane in Plymouth.)

The flights back were the same as the flights out, but in reverse, except we stayed at a Holiday Inn in Melbourne overnight.

 

The dogs were pleased to see us back.

Epilogue

I won’t bore you with the usual tales of how homesick I now am for the people, places, pubs, landscapes, events and generally everything which we enjoyed on this holiday. Suffice to say, we hope to retire in four years time and to move back. Some of you may think this mad; “You live in Australia, why the hell would you want to move back to the UK?” Try this, live in Australia for 14 years as I have, then ask me that question again if you want to. I doubt you’ll need to.