I was walking the dogs at Sheps one night, there was a lovely sunset promised, and so I was hoping to get some landscape shots. I’ve been a bit out of sorts with the old photography of late, not been arsed to do much of it at all, (some of you may be glad of this.) This is reflected in the gallery this month, which contains mainly phone camera shots.
However I did get a lovely sequence of “Roo Boxing” shots one evening which I’m rather pleased with. (More in the gallery.)
Anyway, back to the story. There was a young couple sat exactly where I wanted to shoot from, bollocks. So I moved to one side and set up. I saw they were walking over, so put my hearing aid in case they were up for a threesome or something. The lad did all the talking, the bird just looked a bit gormless.
Him: “That’s a nice camera you have”
Me: “Canon 5D III, I’m thinking of upgrading to a 5Dsr, you a camera buff too?”
Him: “No.” ….long pause… “Your dogs are nice, what are their names?”
(I got the impression now that he wasn’t dealing from a full pack. So I thought I’d best play along)
Me: “He’s called “Sir Digby Chicken Caesar”, he’s called “And His Faithful Sidekick Ginger”, or Digby and Ginger for short.”
Him: “Oh, strange names, nice dogs though.”
Me: “Well if you don’t mind I’d like to crack on with shooting the scene, before the sun sets.”
Him: “I work down there, I like coming here for sunset”.
(He pointed downhill to Canberra’s main sewage works.)
Me: “You work at the shitfarm?!?! Don’t envy you there mate.”
Him: “But look at this view, we should praise the lord for such a wonderful evening.”
(Then it clicked; “Oh fuck, it’s Ivan Jellical!!”)
Me: “Ah well, like I say, the sun will soon set and I have more shots to take…..”
Him: “You wear a hearing aid, Jesus cures deafness, Jesus can cure anything, we look to Jesus as our doctor and Lord, praise him.”
Me: “That’s funny, I’m sure I know of a few deaf or blind Christians.”
Him: “There are many ways, to the Lord, but few are righteous.”
Me: “Wut?”
Him: “Would you like to pray with us?”
Me: “No.”
Him: “Oh. Would you like a leaflet on our church?’
Me: “Nope”
Him: “Can we sing for you.
Me: “I’m going to fuck off right now. Don’t sing, and you won’t follow me if you know what’s good for you.”
So, leaving them to admire the sunset over the shitfarm, I called the dogs, and off I jolly well fucked. Never did get a decent snap either.
A consequence of my slight hearing problem, (or as it’s better know, “being deaf as a fence post.”) is that we have the subtitles on when watching the TV. At the moment our favourite program is “Masterchef Australia.” Guess what? No Subtitles.
One Sunday morning I thought I’d ring the TV station and complain. So I did.
There I was put through to some “production manager” bird for the locality. “Yeah, ok, thanks for letting us know your thoughts.” She drawled, obviously not interested in the fucking slightest, she didn’t take my name, or phone number either. One of the most dismissive “get fucked sunshine” replies I’ve ever had. “Ok, if that’s how you want to play it darling, let’s have at it.”
So I wrote a little complaint, and sent it to the station, but then thought; “Fuck it, let’s escalate this!” as I was a bit peeved.
So I wrote to the shows sponsors, Coles.Harvey Norman, Devondale, Mondelez International, Cobram Estate IKEA. Swisse Wellness, Qantas, Diageo, SPC, Mazda Reckitt Benckiser. I thought I’d best include the show’s stars and the production company, Endemol TV, and Win TV. While I’m at it, thought I, I’ll write to the stars of the show; Gary Mehigan, George Calombaris and Matt Preston. (Them three in the photo above.)
I did sort of hint that, if they didn’t start subtitling Masterchef I’d be starting a social media campaign including all the disability rights, and other hearing loss organisations in Australia. ( I wrote; “If you don’t start subtitling the show I’d be starting a social media campaign and getting all the disability rights, and all other hearing loss organisations in Australia on your fucking arse!” Too subtle do you think?)
Funnily enough, that very night, Masterchef started broadcasting with subtitles for the hard of hearing. Coincidence?
I was bumping my gums about technology the other day, how I’m still a bit shell shocked by it all? Remember I was telling you that I’d invested in some new music making software, and threatening you with tunes? Think on this. The software I use has stepped up my production of “miserable droning bollocks, masquerading as music”, immensely you won’t be pleased to know.
How? Well with the new kit I work this way.
I get an new idea for a tune in my head, so I hum it into the voice recorder of my phone. I download the humming onto my computer, and open it in the new software. This can convert the humming noises I make into actual piano notes. I then use another facility in the software to bring those notes into a single key, (my humming is as tuneful as my singing, for those of you who have suffered it.) I then use a bit of the kit to convert these notes into chords in that key. I boot up my samplers, and these play the notes as perfect reproductions of any instrument I choose. At present I have something of a fetish for harp and violin based tunes, like this one I finished today.
Click on the icon below, if you’re brave
After a bit of bodging and getting the tune into shape, I pull up a complete “Abbey Road” style mastering suite on the computer, and produce the final bloody awful tune.
Of course, the finished item never sounds anything like the initial humming, but there you go.
I’m often asked, not only with my music, but with most things I do; “Why the hell do you waste so much of your time doing this! No one apart from you likes it, and the only purpose it seems to serve is to give people, mainly your alleged mates, more opportunity to slag you off as an incompetent buffoon.”
Well, I do like doing these things! I enjoy the processes, and learning and discovery, they give me creative outlets, ones I have never had before. I may be the world’s worse musician/photographer/cook/climber/paraglider pilot/writer/poet/ blogger/ keep fit person, but as long as I’m happy at it, and L~A is content for me to have the time, then fuck the lot of you. 🙂
As I said in the last episode, our dogs are suffering from …. well…. being fat fuckers basically. The vet wanted them on a diet, and to see them again after three weeks, by which time she hoped they would have started to drop a few pounds.
Hmmm…We started them on a restrictive diet, and made sure that anything left after 30 mins of their bowls being put out was taken away, so they couldn’t swap bowls or snack on leftovers.
After three weeks I took them in to the vets and weighed them;
Millie: Starting weight 12 kilos. After 3 weeks diet 12 kilos
Digby: Starting weight 8.8 kilos. After 3 weeks diet 9 kilos
Ginger: Starting weight 14 kilos. After 3 weeks diet 14 kilos
Not a great result, and how the fuck Digby GAINED 200 grams is a mystery.
The vet was not best pleased. As a consequence they are now on Hills Metabolic Diet food. The sack of this shite which we bought from the vet was bloody expensive, ($$$.) Luckily, as with most things these days, we found it online cheap, at less than half the price of the vet bought sack.
At first we thought we thought they’d lose kilos of weight on this stuff, and it was going to prove to be a wonder diet, mainly due to them totally refusing to eat it. But after a while they got used to it, and seemed to even enjoy it, either that or they were so hungry they’d have eaten my shoes. (That wouldn’t be the first time either.) It now seems to be their fave meal of choice. I don’t know if it has laxatives in it, but all the dogs, Ginger especially seem to be shitting for Australia now.
After a month we went back to the vets, and glory be!
Millie: Starting weight 12 kilos. Now 9.6 kilos!!!
Digby: Starting weight 8.8 kilos. Now 8.8 kilos again
Ginger: Starting weight 14 kilos. Now…..12.8 kilos!!!
So, good stuff, they’re on this for the duration.
Talking of dogs, L~A bought her mother, for her birthday, “Dog Obedience Classes”. Why? Well Mary is to dog obedience, what I am to music making. (Got that in before you did.)
She’s never had any influence or control over her dogs, they always tow her all over the place when on the lead, never return when called, and would rather walk over broken glass to be with me than over grass to be with her. Her main problem is that she believes that the best way to train a dog is to overfeed it, and hope it loves you in return and thus obeys your every command telepathically. It’s never worked, but that has not discouraged her. My method, sticking the boot in when they do not do as instructed, works far better.
But L~A knowing Mary would never adopt my method, bought the classes for Mary, and her dog “Mate” . L~A went to the first one with her. Here they were taught to use a clicker, and a reward system for getting the dogs to pay attention. The day after the first class L~A asked Mary how the clicker training was going; “I’m not doing it, I want to voice train him.”
“Old dog, new tricks” and all that.
We went up to Sydney, to see Dara O’Briain, who was touring his “Crowd Tickler” show. Bethy drove us up, and a damn fine driver she is too. Odd being chauffeured by her, but rather nice. We’d booked a two night stay at the Ovolo in Wollomooloo. Yes I have spelled that right.
The last time we stayed there I wrote a rave review of the place, remember? This time, not so good.
The hotel itself still exceeds expectations, we had great rooms, and the style of the hotel, the rooms and decor were, as ever, superb. The staff were pleasant, if not as upbeat and engaging as they had been on our previous visit.
However a few minor incidents took the sheen off our stay.
First off Bethy and Brandon on coming down to breakfast were challenged as to what room she was in, and then told that this room did not entitle them to the “free” breakfast. This necessitated L~A getting involved to sort it out, (an experience I was sure the staff there wouldn’t be in a hurry to repeat.)
Guess what happened to B1 & B2 the second morning?
The second day L~A made us a couple of cheese toasites for our breakfast. Unfortunately the toastie maker hadn’t been cleaned that morning, or possibly ever. The toasties were inedible. Ok, L~A could/should have checked it first, but you know, we’re were at a posh hotel and that didn’t cross her mind.
On leaving we settled our bill, or so we thought. The next day we received a polite email asking us to pay for the drinks we had had “on our room tab”. We don’t recall putting these drinks on the tab, but as I was a bit “under the weather” that evening it was entirely possible that we did, so we paid up. Then we found that we’d been charged for car parking, car parking that Bethy had already paid for, and had twice informed the staff member, that, although there were four of us, we had only one car. (It’s possible to get four adults in a car guys, honest.)
Ok, we’re not talking ”Fawlty Towers” here, but as we were paying top dollar for our stay, we were expecting a more flawless experience. Would we stay again? I think we’ll try another hotel in that price bracket next
I wrote this up as a review for Tripadvisor, and the manager had the decency to reply.
Damn….. I am so sorry we dropped the ball. You are right, no excuse, we should have provided a flawless experience. I will definitely chat to both my front office and breakfast team to ensure such issues do not recur. I can however guarantee you that the toastie maker is cleaned every day after breakfast but we will ensure we run a couple of more checks throughout the morning.
I urge you to contact me directly regarding the car parking cost as if there is anything outstanding or if you have been charged twice, we would of course reverse the charge.
I truly hope we get to welcome you again at the hotel for a future stay and I will personally ensure that stay is of the highest standard in both service and product.
Anyway, on the first night there we ate out at “Manta”
This was part of the hotel building, in a row of similar eateries. Very friendly staff, good quick service and an interesting menu. We all had three courses, and were all very happy with what we received. Servings, as with most “fine dining” were not huge, the portions of cheese on my cheese platter were particularly miniscule.
The setting was fine, we had a seat near the water, overlooking the expensive yacht moorings, there’s posh!
However, as there are many more eating places all in a line along that warf, there is no individual style or “unique setting” in Manta above and beyond that of the others.
However a good experience, and one I would recommend. (He said, knowing that Charlie Kingman would be reading this.)
Oh as “Harry’s Cafe De Wheels” is just next door to the hotel, we had to eat there too of course. Funnily enough, if I had to choose between only eating at Manta or only eating at Harry’s for the rest of my life…. I’d choose Manta every fucking time…
Pie
Pieaholics
Dara himself? Hysterical. Bloody good value. Funnily enough it was the first time L~A, Bethy and Brandon had been to a gig at the Opera House.
Me, I’m a regular there now, dead cultured me. Dara’s comedy was cultured too, and quite intellectual, no politics, mainly observational stuff. A bloody hoot though. Well worth the ticket price.
L~A and me went to see “The Play That Goes Wrong”. It went right, and was a fucking riot of laughs. Imagine if you will, or can, a cross between Agatha Christie’s; “The Mousetrap,” the best of “Fawlty Towers”, and throw in a little Zucker, Abrahams, and Zucker.
It’s a shame it has such a frigging stupid name, a bit of a giveaway. Though it is highly recommended, do go see it if it plays near you.
The Cornley Polytechnic Drama Society are putting on a 1920s murder mystery, but as the title suggests, everything that can go wrong … does! The accident-prone thespians battle against all odds to reach their final curtain call, with hilarious consequences! Winner of Best New Comedy at London’s Olivier Awards last year, acclaimed with five star reviews and currently playing to packed houses in the West End, The Play That Goes Wrong is guaranteed to leave you aching with laughter!
Then we went to see Velvet
I’d been seeing adverts for “Velvet” on TV, and it looked like the sort of thing we’d enjoy, featuring attractive, semi-naked, people of both sexes singing, dancing and capering about. Fine by me. I got us tickets
Before the show we had a bite to eat at P J O’Reilly’s, a “plastic Paddy” pub, in the city. We’d eaten there before seeing “The Show That Goes Wrong”, and, as Canberra pubs go, it’s not too bad. I must take Clarkie and Catherine there when they stay with us next month. They are from Ireland, and so will enjoy the experience I’m sure. To be fair they do good fish and chips there, and there is a good range of beers.
Beers.
more beers
The show itself was fantastic, a mix of disco, play and circus. (See the trailer, above, as it’ll explain all about it better than my description, below.)
The two girls who sang backing and danced and were on the stage most of the night, (black skirt and gold dress in image above,) were as horny as hell. They both had legs up to their armpits, and they wore a range of skirts and dresses, none of which quite covered all their arse. Not bad singers either. If there was a straight guy in the audience who didn’t spend at least half the evening wondering what it would be like to get both of them into bed for a threesome, then he needs to check out Canberra’s 16 West.
Then this guy came on stage, (back right in the image above,) and took off his leather jacket to reveal the best male body I’ve seen since the last Burlesque we saw. Dear god, I was wondering about a visit to 16 West myself after that. He made me feel like a right fat, ugly, old, bastard. Mainly because I am one.
The guy doing the clowning, a rather podgy guy, did a hula-hoop routine which was stunning, being clever, athletic, and funny all at the same time. The DJ character was a good MC, and played electronic drums as a interlude piece.
The acts were the usual mix of jaw dropping acrobatics and balance acts, using the disco setting as props. Some mind blowing trapeze, aerial ring and silks scenes, very daring, were done by the lithe little acrobat bird and the muscled bloke.
The main “star” was a woman called Marcia Hines, unknown to me, but apparently she has had a few hit singles in Aus. She had a great voice, probably not up to her hey days, (she’s 63 now,) but was loved by the audience who still carry a candle for her.
They did one scene, which should have been my favourite, a pastiche of the “Studio 54” days, with the set becoming more S&M bondage chamber than disco. This should have been the point of the night where I started drooling and otherwise embarrassing myself, seeing as all the onstage totty had stripped down to skimpy bondage outfits. Unfortunately the music, a revamp of “I feel Love” by Donna Summer had the synth and drums all out of sequence, fair put me off my stroke.
All told a great night out. Well, it gave me a bone in any case. The audience all got up and strutted their funky stuff for the last couple of numbers. Yes I did too. (Try and get that horrible image out of your mind now.)
I hope we still keep up seeing shows like these when we are retired, I don’t know what the scene is like in the UK anymore. Do any of you buggers go to see this sort of stuff? Let me know if so.
Bethany has got herself on a course, “The Exquisite Corpse.“ We’re really pleased for her, as she desperately wanted to do this one, and only 20 students per year are selected for it. She had to write an essay on why she wanted to get on it, and what she wanted from it.
The aim of this course is to provide an introduction to anatomy through visual arts, using an integrated approach. Students will have an opportunity to gain knowledge and visual comprehension of the structures that compose the human body and develop communication skills relevant to both disciplines. The structure and function of the body will be explored and put in context using a variety of two-dimensional and three-dimensional materials and processes including live and anatomical models. The course will be co-taught by academics in CASS and CMBE and delivered at the Medical School anatomy laboratory and the School of Art, Foundation Studies studios. A co-mentoring process will be established using postgraduate Doctor of Medicine and Surgery (MChD) students, with a background in anatomy, and postgraduate visual art students. Applying a blended learning model this course will take advantage of the ANU’s online learning environment.
Which doesn’t make much sense to an old thicko like me, but I presume it has something to do with playing with dead bodies or something.
Oh, and Brandon’s employers are sending him on a computer troubleshooting mission. Poor sod will be away from home for a couple of weeks, but, to be fair, they are paying his way and expenses. He’s going to travel to Tuvalu, I’d not heard of it, so had to look it up.
.jpg)
Bethy told us yesterday that there’s been a hiccup in these plans, as Brandon needs to get an “Official Passport”, nonetheless, as he’s representing the Australian Government. Unfortunately half his documentation has gone missing at his folks place, and there’s a bit of a panic on.
B1 & B2 now have a pet, though due to the pet restrictions placed on them by their landlord, it’s a pet stick insect.
Oh, I damn near shit myself the other day, we had a house inspection. We’ve had a few of these since we’ve been in this place, and always had glowing reports back. We did our usual routine of boiling and disinfecting the house, furniture and dogs, plus napalming the worse bits of the garden. We alway peg out sheets on inspection days, just to hide things in the garden we’d rather not be seen. The lad came around and had a look, took pictures for the report, and seemed well pleased. Out in the garden, he went behind the sheets, this is something no other inspector has done. Luckily he didn’t see the herb garden, or if he did, he didn’t recognises the herbs.
Our own herbal vodka…
herby
As promised, here’s my first “Crap Canberra Drivers” movie, filmed mainly on my way to and from work, edited and rendered by my own fair hands. Some class examples of shite driving there.
Some time back, L~A bought me a “Cheese making” kit, and I’ve finally got around to using it. Luckily the local shop still sells good “high fat” milk, not raw milk, but still. (I’m hoping to get some raw milk off a friendly farmer when I’m back in Sennen. Hint, hint, Graham Rowe.)
I decided I had to have a crack at it. The first attempt failed miserably, as I forgot I was supposed to be making half the amount that the recipe stated, and used half the amount of milk, and the full amount all of the other ingredients. It all went down the sink.
Eventually.
The second lot worked a treat, and we ended up with four decent sized balls of Mozzarella.
cheesey
Then I had a brain wave, I’d bought L~A, (me) a smoking gun for Xmas, and that hadn’t been used yet. So we bodged a smoking box out of Tupperware and cling film, and gave it a go. We smoked one of the balls, and eventually, once we’d opened all the windows and doors and could see again, we found the cheese was (apple-wood,) smoked deliciously!
Oh happy days! I went out and constructed a proper smoking box for doing lots more. One which kept the smoke on the inside.
I made that!
This worked really well. Too well in fact, as the next smoked cheese tasted like a fucking ashtray. We’ll keep experimenting, and let you know how we get on
Retirement news.
There is none. I’m still shitting myself that someone’s going to throw a spanner in the works, or some ill fate will befall me before I pack it all up and piss off back to the UK.
One final request; When I send you a link or email stating; “I’ve updated our blog with all our news and what’s happening in our lives.” You know, what with me having taken the time and trouble, not only to write all this shite, but to alert you to the update, and to be the one who, inevitably, is the one to keep contact going between us.
Then should you choose to respond; “Hi Taff, thanks for the link/email, what’s happening in your life?
I will not be best pleased, your blood will flow, geddit?
Follow
