Cock up time! I know you love these.

I was on an evening shift with my mate Steve the other day. I was feeling generous, so at about 8.35 I said; “You get off mate, I’ll shut up shop.” So off he went, I then did our normal phone calls and lock up the office shite.  I got down to my car, and rummaged in my bag for my keys, none there, so I then rummaged in my pockets, turned my rucksack inside out, and searched everywhere I could think. No keys. Bollocks.

I walked back,  reopened the office and turned it over and upside down, no keys. Then I had a thought, Steve drives a Subaru, I wonder if he’s picked them up in error? Search everywhere for Steve’s number, no joy. Ok, back down to the car, searching high and low, including under the car for them, no luck.

Back to the office, phone Lee-Anne, who was just dropping off to sleep; “Can you bring out the spare car keys love, I can’t find mine.” To be fair, she didn’t complain, much. So I wait in the office until Lee-Anne gets here. She has to rouse her mother first, and get her to drive over to our place so Lee-Anne can use her car, (but not before dropping mother in law back home of course.) Lee-Anne drives over and she drops me the key, then takes off back home. I go to the car, try the key, it doesn’t fit. Only then do I look at the key, which I find has FORD written on it in big letters. Oh triple bollocks.

Get on the blower to Lee-Anne , who, fortunately, has her mobile with her. She drives back to the office, picks me up,  and we both drive home. Get home. Look for spare car key, eventually find it.

“Drive me back to pick up the car eh Babes?
 “Why not just leave it there and I’ll drive you in in the morning?
 “Well mainly because I’m on an evening shift tomorrow, and the car is illegally parked and likely to get towed by the time we get in…”

So we drive back and get the car. My generosity in letting Steve go early is repaid by my finishing work close to midnight. Oh, and Steve didn’t have the bloody key in any case, I’d dropped it in the works lift, and someone had handed it in to building security.

 

Walking Barney, who is now officially known as “Old Blind Dog” or OBD for short, still has it’s share of amusing episodes. The other day down at the lake I turned around to look for him to find that, inevitably, he wasn’t there. It took me a good ten minutes searching to find this sorry sight.

I didn’t laugh. Much.

What was definitely no laughing matter was what happened when I was walking him down the Pinnacle nature reserve the other day, I turned around, just in time to see him tread on a brown snake.

 The eastern brown snake (Pseudonaja textilis), often referred to as the common brown snake, is a species of genus Pseudonaja. This snake is considered the second most venomous land snake based on its LD50 value (SC) in mice. It is native to Australia, Papua New Guinea and Indonesia.Clinically, the venom of the eastern brown snake is known to cause diarrhea, dizziness, collapse or convulsions, renal failure, paralysis and cardiac arrest. Without medical treatment, bites can be fatal

Needles to say I screamed, farted, and damn near fainted all at once. Luckily for him it was his rear paws which hit the snake, which reared and struck out, missing him by inches. As he’s old, on five medications for his heart, and not in great health, a bite would have been almost instantly fatal. On reflection though it wouldn’t have been a bad way for the old bugger to cash his chips in. It would have been quick, virtually painless, and he’d have been out in a place he loves when it happened. I wouldn’t have relished the couple of miles walk with him on my back, back to the car. I’d have probably pushed him into the bush and pretended to have lost him.

 

Ok, it was Lee-Anne’s birthday the other day, we’d planned a meal out, but then I noticed that her birthday coincided with my day off, so I decided to push the boat out a bit. I always try to cook us  a decent meal on my days off in any case, but seeing as it was a special day, I declared; “Ok, when you come home from work, stay out of the kitchen please, as I will be making a five course dinner for us all.” Ok, I may have been a bit pissed when I said this.

So what did I come up with?

Well at first it was more a case of; "Aaarrghhh, n-o-o-o-o!! Why the fuck did I promise that? Five fucking courses?!?!? Fuck!! Helppp!!"

But then I calmed down and decided to go with my strengths. The first menu I planned;

Courses
1. Beer.
2. Cheese on toast.
3. Large scotch.
4. Pasty and chips
5. Cheap sherry.

Deciding this wasn’t good enough, I got into google and got planning.

That morning I dropped Bethy off at college at 8.45 am, and went straight to the markets, there I spent an enjoyable hour or two getting all my ingredients. I was cornered there yet again, by my bookshop owning friend who wanted to know if I’d heard from Patrick Gale recently, closely followed by the inevitable; “Ooh, he’s wonderful, so charming and clever, I wanted to take him home with me.”  Funny isn’t it, that a gay man seems to have the pussy pulling power of a guy with a 9” chocolate flavoured cock? What a waste.

Anyway, I got home and started cooking. I finished at about 6.10 pm. You’ll be sorry to hear that it all went well. I didn’t poison us, set fire to myself, accidentally cook the dog or destroy the kitchen. Lee-Anne eventually struggled home, burdened down by gifts from her work colleagues. Included in her presents was this "interesting lamp". Looks like her collegues know her well. Yes, his cock is the on off switch, just like with most men then.

She stayed out of the kitchen as requested. Just so you know, I wanted her to stay out of the kitchen as normally  after I’ve been trying a new recipe the kitchen looks like a bombsite, I’m swearing and throwing things on the floor, (mostly food,), and I'm usually  displaying a new set of scars.

So what did we end up with? Well for a start, six courses not five.
(Picture quality isn't great, as I have no flash, and was shooting hand held at 1600 asa.)

Macarons, with horseradish and bitter chocolate filling.

Porcini mushroom consommé

"Savoury" fruit salad with fish oil dressing.

Dijon mustard and garlic glazed salmon fillets, spinach and strawberry salad with tarragon flowers,

burnt butter new potatoes, beetroot and pistachio purée and spicy yam purée

Rock melon and oloroso sherry granita.

Lemon tart.

Just call me Heston from now on then.

The mother-in-law  paid me the great compliment of saying; "Aubergine will have their work cut out to beat that!" When I circulated the pictures at work one of our psychologists replied; “Right, I’m sending this home so my partner knows how I want to be treated on my next birthday!” I hope I never bump into him.

We also went out to Aubergine, as mentioned above,  for a meal on the Saturday. Some well known idiot said; "I'll drive there, it's on my patch, so I can get us there quick" We then had a guided tour of South Canberra while hopelessly lost.

Aubergine is Canberra’s best restaurant, and is the proud winner of two “hats”. Bloody great grub, great wines, and they did a lovely “Happy Birthday” in chocolate sauce on Lee-Anne’s desert plate!

My review, and very cutting quibble about their wine list, can be read here.

 

Next year we’re hoping to be back in the UK at this time, in order to celebrate Lee-Anne’s birthday there. As it’s a big one, her 50 th, we’ll push the boat out big time. (Why not? For my 50 th. I got a trip to New Zealand and a 650cc motorbike!) We’re hoping to have another visit to “The Fat Duck”, but this time we want to stay in Bray, and have ALL the recommended wines for each course, (that’ll bump the bill up a bit!) We’re also planning a return trip to Padstow to stay, as we got engaged in Padstow. (One of my birthday presents to Lee-Anne this year  was this.) We want to stay at one of Rick Stein’s places, and for one of her birthday presents I’m getting Lee-Anne a cooking course at the famous “Padstow Seafood School”.   Yes, I will benefit myself immensely from this, neat eh?

 

Lee-Anne’s works had a fancy dress night the other night, the theme “Goodies and Baddies”. Lee-Anne being a creative cove came up with the idea of going as “The Shadow cabinet”, and made herself, well, a shadow cabinet. I thought she was totally off her frigging trolley when she described what she wanted to go as, but when I saw the results of her efforts, I had to admit I was blown away. She looked great, and what a clever idea if you consider where she works, and the theme.

Unfortunately she didn’t win the best fancy dress prize, despite all her hard work, and the cleverness of her design. No, a pregnant bird who had hired a nun’s costume won. Whoever judged it needs their bloody head examined.

The other day then they had a “Dress like a pirate day” at her office, (civil servants eh? Tch!) Lee-Anne just threw on some vaguely piratey things, but couldn’t find a toy parrot to put on her shoulder. She settled for a toy chicken instead, or as she later found out; “It’s not a chicken, it’s a cock. I’ve spent all day with a cock on my shoulder!” No change there then.

 

Bethy and her boyfriend have split up unfortunately, they’ve (she’s)  decided they should; “just be friends”. A shame, Reece was a nice kid, but not quite dynamic enough for Bethy.

She's’s growing up so fast. She’s hoping to get her driving license in the next two weeks, she has two lessons to go and she can get signed off. There’s no driving test here, just a log book of skills to be signed off on. She’ll then be on “P Plates|” for a couple of years.

Her basketball team lost in the final of the local tournament, 34/33 in extra time, just failing to make it through to the “Grand Final” by one bloody point. We was robbed! The opposition scored just after the buzzer for final time had gone off, and it was allowed, fucking biased ref! The opposition scored again in extra time, robbing us of a deserved victory. Lee-Anne had to stop me from doing a pitch invasion.

(Don’t ask me why there’s a final and also a grand final I don’t have a sodding clue.)

But it was a great match, Bethy played her socks off, and was given recognition as a “most valued player” in the team’s awards night.

She’s got one term left of college, and has started applying to Uni. I have hope for her getting into whatever place she fancies, especially when she emails me photos like this.

One of her major assignments of this term, 93%.

She's currently thinking of doing a year out, then studying neuro-psychology at the ANU, the highest rated Uni in Aus, and conveniently, just down the road from here.

Still, by god it all makes me feel old, a daughter at Uni?

 

The local flower festival is on at the moment. This year I didn't have any accidents there, which was nice. I still bought a load of crap from the stall there. I don't know why I do it,  but I'm a sucker for these things. I still have eight pots of pickles that I bought four years ago in a fit of madness. This year I bought two tins of boot wax, a spud peeler, some curry powder and a few pressies for my girls. It's not as if it's cheap there either, Lee-Anne has banned me for  going alone next year. I did get some nice snaps though.

      

 

Remember the mother in law and magpie farrago? This year it's a beak and feather case she's adopted, this one.

 Now don't get me wrong, beak and feather disease is horrible, a slow starvation for the bird, with it unable to eat due to its overgrown beak, and it unable to fly or keep warm due to the feathers dropping out. But add in the mother in law to that mix? Guantanamo bay suddenly seems humane. It's also cruel to us as we get bi-daily updates on her pet beakie's health.

Psittacine beak and feather disease is a viral disease affecting all Old World and New World Parrots (Psittacini, Hookbills). The virus belongs to the family Circoviridae. The virus attacks the feather follicles and the beak and claws-growing cells of the bird, causing progressive feather malformation and necrosis. In later stages of the disease, the feathers develop constrictions in feather shafts, cease development early until eventually all feather growth stops.

The beak and claws are affected in opposite direction – overgrowth, malformation and necrotic tissue development. Cracking and peeling of outer layers makes it possible for fungi and yeast infections to take place and complicate matters even more. The necrosis of inner layers of the beak may cause it to break, at which point the bird will be unable to feed.

The other day I went round to pick up her dog for walk, I couldn't get an answer at the front door, so I sneaked around the back. There I found "St Mary of Assisi" tendering to her pet B&F, and chatting to it. Bless.

 

Now then tell me, I took this rather lovely shot of a branch reflected in the lake the other day. Does anyone else see it as a sketch of a fish, (Nemo?)

 

Or are you all like my mate Peter, who saw it as a drawing of an old man's cock? Peter is a Christian Missionary in Africa, I think that says it all. (No offence Peter!)

 

The news from Cornwall is…expensive…

The tenants, who we loved, Frank and Nickie, have had a change of circumstance, and are leaving, We'll be sorry to see you go both, you were great,. Fortunately, the letting agency have a new couple lined up, fingers crossed! Thanks to the efforts and kindness of my good mate Graham, we've now got a functioning sewage soakaway, for which the whole village will probably be glad. While we're in the change over of tenants, we're getting a new woodburner installed. (Sorry F&N, we should have done it for you two!)

For those of you waiting for the weather report, here it is.

 

After a week that recorded a wintery low below zero as well as a top of 27.3 degrees, Canberra recorded an average daily temperature of 23.3 degrees. The week started with a low of minus 2.2 degrees on Monday, according to the Bureau of Meteorology, before warming to more than 27 degrees on Friday. The showers held off till yesterday when more than 4 millimetres of rain arrived along with a sheep graziers' warning. The bureau said the ACT, along with the South Coast, South West Slopes and Snowy Mountains areas, could expect cold strong south to south-west winds overnight. Chilly weather is forecast for the rest of the long weekend, and today should reach 18 degrees with a chance of rain.
Tomorrow should see a top of 17 degrees, with frost expected both mornings.