Well of course the burning issue, which absolutely no one has been badgering me to find out about, is my citizenship test. (Someone did write asking “Well? Are we getting rid of you permanently?”,  But I’ll ignore that)

Well, on the morning in question I rode my trusty bike into town, and after spending a half an hour trying to find somewhere to leave it, and increasingly shitting myself about being late for the test, I got to the immigration offices. There I was told to wait, as no on was ready for me. For thirty minutes.

There a pleasant young lady ushered me into a waiting room, and talked me though my test. This was  basically a set of 20 questions, randomly chosen by a computer,  on Aus and its history, culture and laws, of which I had to get a minimum of 75% right. I was sat in my leather trousers sweating like a pig at this point. I was allowed 15 minutes to do the test.

After ten minutes  I emerged, dehydrated, and with stained underwear, and was called into a booth. There the young lady printed off my answer sheet, which had been marked by the computer.

“Congratulations Mr Thomas 100% right!”

I thought I was fucking hearing things. I’ve never got 100 % in any test before, I only got 98% on my paragliding license test, and I spent a month preparing for that. I was so chuffed I could have kissed her. But as she was as plain as a pancake I didn’t bother. “You’ll have to wait for a few weeks for all the security clearance s to be done, ” she told me, “then you’ll be invited for a swearing in ceremony.”

Which suddenly made it seem all the more serious, and not just an easy way of getting a spare passport.

I rode home cautiously, as I was shaking somewhat. I stopped off a the news agent to buy my lottery ticket. I’d won $32.00, so I plowed it all back on another ticket  in the hope of winning the $20,000,000 jackpot of that week. (As you may have guessed I won sod all.)

I got home and e-mailed Lee-Anne the following message;  “F.I.G.J.A.M.” Being an Aussie she knew I’d done well.

(Fuck I‘m Good, Just Ask Me.)

When I got home from work that night, Bethy presented me with the  cake she had baked especially to celebrate my test result, with “Congratulations!” in icing sugar on the top, which touched me deeply.

So now it’s just a case of waiting for the letter to drop through the door, and I go and pledge allegiance to Aus.

From this time forward, under God,

I pledge my loyalty to Australia and its people,

whose democratic beliefs I share,

whose rights and liberties I respect, and

whose laws I will uphold and obey.

Ok, so most of you are now thinking; “It must be a piece of piss that test, if the gormless wonder-boy got 100% in it!” Well I’ve got a text version of the test for you to try out, here you go.

1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term ‘died in the arse’?

2. What is a “bloody little beauty”?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: ‘In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo.’

5. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) ‘If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother ?
b) You’re going home in the back of a ?
c) Fair crack of the ?

7. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard ‘up on blocks’? Is his name Bruce and does he have a wife called Cheryl?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter ‘b’ is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to ‘prang a car’ while doing ‘circle work’?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, John ‘True Blue’ Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

🙂 If you want a go at the real test, click here.

During the easter break, I had a couple of weekdays as my day off. As Bethy was at home we decided (I bullied her into) spending some days out together. First of all we went shopping. (Ok, I made some concessions.) We had a great time hanging out at the Mall, and as we both had tokens to spend at the bookshop there, we both got books. I got the first two volumes of “The Annotated Sherlock Holmes,” bargain city, reduced from $115 to $40! Bethy got some UK comedy DVD’s.

Diversion here. Aussie TV is crap, apart from “Biggest Loser“, which has now finished, and “Masterchef”, which we watch religiously, oh, and the footy, there is nothing on. So we’re building up a collection of Britcoms. In the  last few weeks we’ve bought “Garth Marengi’s Darkplace“, “The Green Wing ” ” Look around you” (Both series) and “Phoenix Nights“. Why watch crap? Britcoms are the best entertainment in the world folks, appreciate what you have.

It’s said that an Englishman would rather be told he is a bad lover, than be told he has no sense of humour. Which is fortunately really.

Ok, we also visited an exhibition at the National Museum of Australia, on “Water“. A burning topic (scuse bad analogy,) here in Aus, and as with so many of these things, very well presented. I nearly came over all Al Gore, but then we went for a coffee.

We also took a trip out to the local nature reserve Tidbinbilla. They’ve started charging a $10 admission fee for this place now. It’s well worth it, but a sod to pay. There we saw a host of roos, a couple of emus and some lizards basking in the sunshine. So not bad then for a tenner. We did a bit of rock climbing, and then Bethy, for reasons best known to herself, took herself off for a walk. I spent a bit of time scarring my hands on a steep crack in a large boulder, and failing to get much off the ground. Then i went to look for her. Which was a bad move. We spent an age looking around this huge tor for each other, whilst neatly keeping out of  each others site.

I decided Bethy was playing tricks on me, and went down to the car, and drove away a bit, to give her some of her own medicine. After a while she appeared on the top of the tor,  and run down to the car, looking ever so upset, and had been crying. “I thought you’d fallen off the rocks and hurt yourself , I was looking all over the place, I thought you may be dead. and I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

Boy did I feel like a total piece of shit.

The other day, I was getting ready for work, as was Lee-Anne. She emerged from the bathroom, looking a bit green around the gills. “I’ve just been bit by a spider, I’ll get Mum to drive me to the hospital.” A peck on the cheek, and of she went.

More on Bethy. (I get embarrassed sometimes writing about just how good the kid is.) She’s going on a two day course next week to become a “student mental health advocate” for the school. This will mean she is able to offer counseling to kids who are upset,in trouble or just need someone other than a teacher to talk to.

Oh, and all the schools in the area were asked to submit contestants to this competition.

The competition is open to all grade 9 and 10 students in Canberra.  Two schools are chosen as finalists to compete in a live cook-off at the Belconnen Markets in Term 2. Schools must create two original recipes that adhere to the criteria.Guess who’s in the final cook off in front of an audience of peers, teachers, and the public?

Barnum’s woes also continue. As predicted the visit to the orthopedic surgeon vet, Sarah, cost a bloody fortune (Nearly a grand) “Old age” was the diagnosis, plus some trapped nerves in his spine which has given him his hopping gait. Ah well, a course of pain killers and some anti-inflammatories, and he’s back a bit to his old self.

Except he’s grown a tit. I kid you not, just below his sternum, a huge swelling came up. It looks just like a chesticle. The vet had to shave it to do a biopsy, so it’s now bright pink, and even more like a tit. Barnum, being as gay as a line full of transvestite’s washing, loves it.

The weather has turned cold now. It’s heading into winter. I love this time of year.

What do you think of the new look? Write back and let me know eh?

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